Life as we know it . . .

ALHAMDULILLAH, ALHAMDULILLAH, ALHAMDULILLAH,

finally it ends.  the burden.  the torture. 

submitted my essays last monday.  now it is time to pray to ALLAH, so that i will get good result.

the next day, i went to YORK, England for a short break.  it’s a beautiful city and spring really play its role in enhancing the city’s beauty.  stay there for one night.  really appreciate the moments, after one month of having no LIFE.  click HERE to see the beauty of YORK.

one thing…thanks to ALLAH for giving me the strength to go on when i was doing my essays.

now i’m recharging . . .

-Iz OUT-

exhausted. that’s the word.
sleepy. sure !
tension. yup !

so…?

if only i could cry….now i know the ‘nikmat’ of crying.  it’s very hard when u cannot cry.  i tried a few times to cry, buat nothing happens.  i feel that if i cry, i might feel better, at least.  but..what i could say is…If only i could…why? dont know.

finished my first draft of my AI essay this morning then i went to sleep.  it is very difficult to write on law and new technologies when u dont have any background in AI… now i’m waiting for the comments from my lecturer on how to improve the essay.  i have two more days to do whatever is necessary..and of course to end this ‘torture’.

i have to edit my other two essays, but i couldn’t do it now.  i’m tired.  so i decided to take a break and resume tonight.  fortunately fotopage is back, so i can spend my time there, looking at other people’s touch…and i really enjoy doing that.

i miss my LIFE. miss taking pictures and miss hanging out with my friends..miss chatting with my online friends, miss looking at other’s fotopages, miss cooking ( i do cook now ..ha ha ha)…miss my TV, DVD…

two more days….in the meantime, "redah jer la"

-Iz OUT-

They can say anything they
want to say
Try to bring me down
But I will not allow
Anyone to succeed
Hanging clouds over me
And they can try hard to make me feel
That I don’t matter at all
But I refuse to falter
In what I believe
Or lose faith in my dreams

‘Cause there’s a light in me
That shines brightly
They can try
But they can’t take that away from me
From me

They can do anything they want to you
lf you let them in
But they won’t ever win
If you cling to your pride
And just push them aside
See
I have learned there’s an inner peace I own
Something in my soul
That they cannot possess
So I won’t be afraid
And darkness will fade

No
They can’t take this
Precious love
I’ll always have inside me
Certainly the Lord will guide me
Where I need to go

They can say anything they want to say
Try to break me down
But 1 won’t face the ground
I will rise steadily
Sailing out of their reach

‘Cause there’s a light in me that shines brightly
They can try
But they can’t take that away from me

the beginning of today is quite promising.  everything is just fine.  alhamdulillah, finally i am back on my feet again.  but i guess, panas tak sampai ke petang, and in my case, malam kot…

i received an email, from not even a friend, just a person i know here in EDB, and the content is not pleasant at all, and it was kind of judging me on how i behave here in EDB.  i was blamed for not socializing with malaysians.  yes, that was the accusation.

there is truth in that accusation.  i admit that i spend most of my time here with my friends who are not malaysian.  i do have some malaysian friends that i feel comfortable with and i do get in touch with them.  but the person who sent me that email was not one of them (of course).

should i be blamed for that.  i dont know.  people seem to be so judgemental these days.  they know you for five seconds and they started judging you.  as for me, i just want to experience something new, something that i cannot get if i studied in malaysia.  i do have some malaysian friends that i feel comfortable with.  the thing is i dont want to pretend that i love being in the crowd that i am actually not comfortable at all.  i have my own circle of friends, in this case, malaysian friends.  should i be forced to be "friends" with every malaysian here? for me, i would like to choose the one that can accept me as i am.  and i think i have the right to do whatever that i want to do , especially  when it comes to socializing.  it is not that i dont like other malaysians, but i dont feel that i ‘klik’ with some of them, and this "some" seems to have problems with that.  for the rest of my malaysian friends here (i admit they are not many) they did not complaint at all. 

i love my non malaysian friends here because of one thing.  they have no judgements against me.  they accept me as i am and i accept them as they are.  they did not complaint that i have to pray 5 times a day, and they did not complaint that i cannot eat non halal meat and i dont drink.  i love them for that.   they make me be myself.

and at the end of the day…the Malays are the one who are judgemental.  here i am, trying to be me, and be blamed for that.

and alhamdulillah, at least, here in the UK, i still have my non -judgemental malaysian online friends,  whom i know from fotopages, and will cheer me up when i miss home.  although i never met them, i know i can "klik" with them instantly.

i hope people will change and stop judging other people just because the way they live their life.  they might have something to offer, just get to know them first….dont judge !

- Iz OUT-

i did not do much today.  i think because i was tired, mentally.  i spent half of the day sleeping with the hope to recover soon.  i felt tired, sad, lonely.  i miss my friends & family back home.  maybe because i was too stress with this essay thingy.  i know it is just another week, but it seems like i cant take it anymore.  called my family the other day, and my dad told me to be strong, and pray to Allah and ask for help.  i was wondering whehter i have been a good servant to HIM, because i was embarassed to seek help from HIM when i was not on my feet and forgetting HIM when i was back on track.  I hope i will not be that kind of servant to HIM.

maybe this is just another test from HIM and he wants to see whether i can deal with it or not. 

i remember my chambering days, when it was a rough time, i have HIM, my family and my friends to walk home to.  here, i feel alone but i shouldn’t feel that way because i will always have HIM, no matter where i go.

have to be VERY strong, and keep on moving, coz life must go on…no matter what..

-Iz OUT-

Alhamdulillah, today i have finished the media essay.  i am mentally and phisically exhausted.  i did not have enough sleep and i did not have ‘proper’ meal since i dont have the time to cook, so throughout the week i have been eating and "telan-ing" whatever that was easy and available in my kitchen…i guess that’s the factor why i am not phisically fit…no proper nutrient in my body…having "writer’s block" almost all the time makes me want to cry…every time.

i keep telling myself that this is just another challenge in life, as a student (again)…  a lecturer once told me, if you managed to survive your pupilage (or chambering as they always say), then doing your master should be okey…hmm…so…i should be okey right? chambering dulu lagi AZAB!

being me, songs always play an important role in my life.  at this moment, "tak seindah sentuhan mata" by The Zikr / Saujana is the perfect song to describe my life.  and i keep listening to Celine Dion’s I’M ALIVE too…just to tell myself that i am STILL alive…

akan kuatkah kaki yang melangkah
bila disapa duri yang menanti
akan kaburkan mata yang menatap
pada debu yang pastikan hinggap

mengharap senang dalam berjuang
bagai merindu rembulan di tengah siang
jalan nya tak seindah sentuhan mata
pangkalnya jauh hujungnya belum tiba

- Iz OUT -

Thanks to "my everything" for this…love it very much ! (and miss you so much)

and thanks to Sheems for sharing the knowledge on how to insert this …

currently busy with media essay, belum sempat nak tulis blog, insert benda alah ni sempat la pulak !

Aku Ingin Hidup Secerah Mentari
Yang Menyinar Di Taman Hatiku
Aku Ingin Seriang Kicauan Burung
Yang Terdengar Di Jendela Kehidupan

Aku Ingin Segala Galanya damai
Penuh Mesra Membuah Ceria
Aku Ingin Menghapus Duka Dan Lara
Melerai Rindu Di Dalam Dada

Sedamai Pantai Yang Memutih
Sebersih Titisan Embunan Pagi
Dan Ukhuwah Kini Pasti Berputik
Menghiasi Taman Kasih Yang Harmoni

Seharum Kasturi Seindah Pelangi
Segalanya Bermula Di Hati Di Sini…

[ Jendela Hati, performed by : SAUJANA ]

Today i started reading my media law materials.  i have to do something pertaining to protection of minors and human dignity in audiovisual sector.  but i have to focus on the EC so i can’t insert any Malaysian position, so there will be no communications & multimedia Act in this essay.

i have another 2 weeks left.  i hope i will make it on time. 

now, i’m legally insane, and can’t wait for this thing to be over.

-Iz OUT-

Alhamdulillah, today is better than yesterday.

i woke up a bit early, at 6.00, still managed to pray subuh.  pray to Allah to give me a better day.  after that, as usual, checked my email and my fotopage …hahaha…

the rest of the day was okey, although i havent started writing, but at least i was collecting materials for my media essay.  have to finish it this week…it is a MUST !…

sometimes i wonder how the Ph.D students managed to write their thing,  and still can smile at the end of the day.  when i was doing my first essay last time, i said to myself, i want to go back after this and i dont want to do my Ph.D…hahaha…now i am feeling it again…tak nak tulis…penat , takder idea..buat master ni pun dah nak separa nyawa…

one thing about writing is that you cannot contol it.  sometimes when it flows, then you can write 5 pages straight, but when it doesn’t, half a page will take you hours ….and when it stops, you just can’t do anything …

at this point, exam is better. you study, then you answer, then you go home enjoying yourself.  but when it comes to essay, it is still hanging in your head for days, until the day you have to submit it. 
and for me that day will be this 25th April 2005.

in the meantime, i just wish that i have the idea, the strength and the ‘mood’ to face all these 3 essays. 

Ameen.

- Iz OUT-