Life as we know it . . .

I’ve passed my courses. have to proceed with dissertation, and hope to graduate and attending the convocation in November…then…what’s next?

My friend Shay will be leaving Boston soon, for good.  When he told me this, i was trying to imagine me, 6 months from now.  With the hope that i will succeed in this LL.M thingy, soon i’ll be experiencing the same thing..going back home..for good.

I know i miss home, but i think i am not ready yet to go back.  Not that i dont want to go back, but i just wanna have more time here, maybe working and experiencing LIFE in this foreign country.  I love this city very very much.  I was planning to work kejap, kumpul pound sterling and then only go back.  but, that is only MY plan.

Yesterday my mom called and told me that she wanted me to go home soon after my graduation ceremony.  The reason : Family.  She said, duit boleh carik, but masa dgn family tak leh.  she’s right.  Further, my grandma is very old and she misses me too, and i miss her too. FYI, i am very close with my grandma coz she took care of me from day 1. she lives with our family until I was 7.  My mom told me, umur kita tak tau, duit if kita kejar, sampai bila bila pun takkan cukup.  she’s right.  Again.

Today, i woke up and be able to digest whatever she said.  I was planning to work here first, and enjoy this UK life.  I love it very much.  But i guess, we have to sacrifice our need for the sake of others, especially our family.  They have given us so many things, so this is time for us to give back to them and not thinking of our own ‘agenda’.

So..it means that i am going to leave Edinburgh, at the end of the year.  I wont be able to see another spring or summer,or any snow, although i hope i may experience another autumn and winter.  It is obligatory to obey our parent, especially our mother, and i do hope that ALLAH will give me something BIG for being anak yang taat…(hehehe).

In the meantime, i better cherish this time, coz one fine day, i’ll be packing my back and leave…for good.

-Iz OUT-

Alhamdulillah. Got my result today. so relief that i have passed all three courses and may proceed with my dissertation.  Thank you Allah…thank you..thank you…

phewww…LEGA !

I always teased and make fun of my girlfriend when she cries after watching a show or a movie.  I will say to her "ntah apa apa, tu pun nak nangis".  As people say, what goes around, comes around.  If i know that this particular behaviour is going to bite me later, i will say nothing to her and will only keep my mouth shut.

Actually, i dont know why this happens to me.  I never cried just because a show is sad or touching.  i will only feel very ’sebak’ and that’s it. no tears will follow.

However, since i live here alone in the UK, this new colour seems to emerge inside of me.  Now, i do cry if a show touches my heart.  The one thing that i realised is, i will cry if it involves family and relationship.  I think it must be due to my current condition, away from my family and my love ( miss her so much).

The show that managed to break the cold heart of mine is definitely EXTREME MAKEOVER , and the  EXTREME MAKEOVER : HOME EDITION  .  The show is really about giving the ‘not so’ fortunate people to look and feel better about themselves.  The Extreme team will give these people the look that will change their lives…and this really gives those people a chance to walk on earth with confidence.  The other is the home edition, where some people are given the chance to begin a new life with the gift of a new home.  The team will built a new gorgeous house for them to start over their lives (after some terrible things happen to their lives before that).

As for me, the part of the show that makes me cry is when after having their makeover, they will be ‘revealed’ to their family/spouse back home in a special occasion organised by the show.  This is where my tears will start to drop, especially when they come home and hug their family.  If it is a married couple, the person will then be revealed to their spouse, and forgive me, this will make me cry too.  In the home edition of extreme makeover, i will cry when these family arrived home and the extreme team revealed them their new house and all the people in the show will start crying, with all the mixed feelings, joy for having a new dream house and grateful for what the extreme team has done for them.  As the show becomes emotional with tears, with all of them crying, i am crying too….( what the heck is happening to me….pehal la pulak nih )…i feel so touched that other people will go the extra mile just to give others chances to start over their lives. 

I can still remember there was one time i was watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and i cried when i saw the scene where the husband went to his wife and say " i miss you so much"…when that particular scene was on TV, the Fab 5 were crying as well, so you can imagine how touching the moment can be…i cried because i miss my love…….( sekali lagi..ni pesal la pulak…)

My love will laugh to death reading this and will definitely say things back at my face.  Yes, i know…i shouldn’t teased her before.  I dont know what got into me, but i guess it is due to my lonely life here.  i miss everything back home.

Having said that, i still want to stay here and enjoy UK…and i dont want to go home yet….why ? i think i’m still confused….perhaps…can i have both worlds, family, my love and UK? I think i know the answer.

so..what should i do ? enjoy every moments while i’m here and continue missing home.  i know that one day i’ll be home again, and at that time i’ll be missing UK….but that’s LIFE right….cant have two nice thing at the same time. have to let go something…

- Iz OUT-

Today is just an ordinary day.  woke up at reasonable time.  had breakfast.  go to friday prayer.  then went for a movie with a friend, we watched Mr and Mrs Smith starring Pitt & Jolie.  the movie was awesome ! so cool…very very cool ..love it so much.

Then, things started to feel less ordinary.

On the way home after watching the movie, i felt lonely.  i know here in the UK, i do get this feeling sometimes.  I miss my friends, i miss my family.  when i was going out having fun, i always remember my best friends back home.  we used to go out and have fun togerther.  i miss them so much.  and due to that feeling, i feel very lonely.

to add to the feeling, when i arrived home, sitting in my room and i  realised that i miss my family.  here i was, sitting in my room. alone.  If i was home in Malaysia, there’s always my family to talk to.  at least it occupies my time and help me to get through the day.  but here, there’s no family, and i am all alone.

My flatmate invited his friends to come over and he ordered satay ( of course - not halal) from a local takeaway.  the smell of that satay reminds me of home…what a situation to add to my lonely feeling.

I always cherish living here in Edinburgh, and i always joking to my friends that i dont want to go back.  dont get me wrong, i love Malaysia but i love this country too, the 4 seasons, the scenery…but i guess, it doesn’t have my family and my best friends….so eventually, what or who do I need the most ? hmmmm…..

In short, i am lonely. today.  i miss home, i miss Malaysia.  at this point i want to have satay too !

but..currently i am so far away from HOME.  Nothing can be  done except writing about it in this BLOG of mine.

- Iz OUT -

Trying to discipline myself is my greatest weakness.  i used to be a very discipline person.  i once was a very punctual and i’ll be there before time.  but, time has changed.  i am always late these days…err..i mean for the past few years.  my girlfriend and my friends have been patient enough for this particular behaviour.    There was one time i was extremely late for a date with my GF, and she end up waiting for one hour ..my god ! what was i thinking?  and not to mentioned my late appearances when i went out with my friends.  Until now, i am always late, and there was one time here in Edinburgh, i was scolded by my friends because i was late, again.  what happen to me? i dont know.  what i need to know is  i need to change.  i really really need to change.

the same problem goes with my life now at the moment.  i am suppose to start doing my research for my dissertation.  but guess what…i havent done any.  again..what’s happening to me? i am so so so lazy and ..there’s no and.full stop.

okey…being human, we do make mistake.  The one thing that differentiate a good person than another is the ability to learn from our mistakes and move on.  that’s what i wanna do.  i will gather my strength, focus myself and start a new me.  YES. I WILL.

i know it is not as easy as it souds.  i have to stay focus and realise how important time is.  i will not wasting anymore time, i will do my dissertation thingy and i will try to be on time everytime from now.

having said that, i have to stop typing.

Err…wait !…after reading this, dont forget to click HERE to see my "other" work.

-Iz OUT-

It’s June..that means, i have to start my dissertation…so so bosan….wanna play…but…what to do?